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2010 Fulmer Cup Preview

Posted by DevilGrad on 01/08 at 12:07 AM

For the MHT gnomes, it has been difficult to care much about the bowl season because they're still recovering from their latest bender and another horrific season of Miami football, but they are really looking forward to the Fulmer Cup season. Brought to you by the unsurpassed brilliance of EveryDayShouldBeSaturday, the Fulmer Cup tracks the off-field shenanigans of Division I-A football programs, awarding points for both baseline criminality and style. The award is named for former Tennessee coach ("Phat") Phil Fulmer whose commitment to boys-will-be-boys discipline and depth-chart justice inspired the competition.

In 2009, South Florida proved that the Big East really might be a BCS conference after all, taking advantage of its proximity to Ybor City to roll up enough points to edge out defending champion Alabama and other traditional heavyweights en route to its first Fulmer Cup title. Several other mid-majors proved that lack of resources is no bar to big-time criminality, as four non-BCS programs cracked the top ten. Prior Fulmer Cup champions include Illinois (2007) and Marshall (2006).

And, now, our fearless predictions for 2010. Please use them solely for recreational purposes (unless you're an old school BC player).

  1. Iowa – The Hawkeyes aren't flashy (well, perhaps with the exception of this fine lady), but all they do is pump out double-digit Fulmer Cup scores year after year. After seeing Orson's description of the Orange Bowl match-up ("Math vs Meth"), we think this is the year they break through and win it all.
  2. Florida – Thanks to our good friends at SAS Wiki, even the Fulmer Cup has a dynasty mode, and when you take a look, you'll see that Florida is second in all-time (i.e., since 2006) cumulative Fulmer Cup scoring. That stands to reason since the Gators had 24 arrests in the first four years of Pope Urban's reign. And now Meyer has the vapors – or heart problems or whatever – and won't be around to supervise [sic] the off-season. Lock the doors in Gainesville and make sure you get the credit cards off the dead before the players do.
  3. Illinois – The all-time Fulmer Cup points leader (yes, you can look it up) finished a disappointing eighth last season. But with [NAME REDACTED] working under a "win or else" edict for 2010, we expect D-U of I to move up the rankings this year. ("Assault" is just another word for "intensity." Gettin' amped. Likin' it.) The Illini field a balanced Fulmer Cup attack, and the soul-sucking boredom of downstate Illinois will provide ample opportunities to explore the Illinois Penal Code. (If it doesn't, the Wild Hundreds are just two hours north on I-57.) You wouldn't think that Champaign-Urbana is Coral Gables on the prairie, but we're talking about an athletic department gangsta enough to have (basketball) players wrap a car around a tree and leave a teammate to die.
  4. Texas Tech – We overrated the Red Raiders badly in last year's preseason poll, apparently underestimating the Detestable Mr. Leach's ability to hide problems – in sheds, darkened media rooms, and probably the dumpster behind Bash Riprock's on Main Street. With the head pirate apparently now sailing off to Oakland, we expect a breakout season. There's *still* absolutely nothing interesting to do in Lubbock that doesn't involve at least some risk of teen pregnancy or prison time.
  5. Idaho – Every year, one mid-major crawls out of the woodwork for a surprising run at the Fulmer Cup. This year, we think Tom Cable's alma mater fits the bill. Besides, a look at the all-time standings will tell you that the Vandals live up to their nickname pretty well.
  6. Michigan – Speaking of Mr. Leach, the new AD in Ann Arbor has likely been following events in Lubbock with interest. Rich Rod is already in hot water over off-season practices, and he has never been known as a disciplinarian. Not only do we think that Big Blue is set to have a great Fulmer Cup season, but we predict David Brandon might even reach into his Dominos lined pockets to hire private investigators to run up the Fulmer score and pave the way for a full-scale Leaching.
  7. UTEP – The Miners posted a solid Fulmer Cup score last year, including a heavy-duty beating and robbery. Lord only knows what would happen if we counted points scored in Juarez. Some might call this mid-major a flash in the Fulmer pan, but, as Mike Price might say, it's rollin' in El Paso.
  8. Texas – The Longhorns had a fabulous Fulmer Cup preseason, posting three arrests since mid-November. We think Texas has what it takes to make a deep run over the spring and summer.
  9. Hawaii – We thought the (formerly Rainbow) Warriors might tail off in the Fulmer Cup standings after June Jones left – and even had SMU in last year's preseason poll – but Hawaii didn't miss a beat and narrowly lost the Fulmer Cup. Something in that island water brings the thugs out.
  10. Marshall – The Thundering Herd won a Fulmer Cup with Bob Pruett's recruits and posted a solid top ten finish last year with Mark Snyder's. Now, both the AD (Mike Hamrick) and coach (Doc Holliday) will learn the Marshall way. Luckily for them, old-time Herd supporter Marshall Reynolds is back from his NCAA-imposed booster ban and should be able to guide them to promised land (or yet another probation).
  11. Miami (FL) – Luther Campbell says that Randy Shannon has welcomed him more than any Miami coach since Dennis Erickson. If Luke is indeed welcome in Coral Gables once again, we suggest the Hurricanes get face down and ass up, because they're about to re-learn how the NCAA likes to phuck.
  12. Florida State – The 'Noles managed to get it together long enough to win a bowl game for their old ball coach. So who's to say they won't put together a Fulmer Cup run reminiscent of the glory days?
  13. Tennessee – Since the spectacular 2005 off-season that gave birth to the Fulmer Cup, the Vols have posted disappointing results – both on and off the field. We're not sold on Kiffykin's performance between August and January, but we think his leadership [sic] could propel UT back to glory in the Cup.
  14. Wisconsin – Those of you who read MHT regularly know that when we say something stupid once, it's stupid, and when we say it twice, it's "tradition." We're keeping Wisconsin in our preseason rankings until the Chad Alvarez microwaved parrot story stops being funny – in other words, until hell freezes over.
  15. Alabama – It's no accident that all three past Fulmer Cup champions finished in last year's top ten. Some schools just have a level of history and tradition and a complicit, enabling booster culture that facilitates continued success. We don't see another off-field title at 'Bama this year, but we expect a solid performance that will help soak up some of the excess capacity among UA Law grads.

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